I'll never be jealous, and I won't be too proud, because love is not boastful, oooh and love is not loud! Tell him I love him! Tell him I need him!! It'll be alright" - Ms. Lauryn Hill; Single, Actress, Icon
We're living in troubled times. I'm not one for dramatics, so I won't insult history or my grandparents and act like this is the worst of times, but this is a different fight. During every other period of history, when {WE} didn't have anything else, not freedom, rights, or money... we had each other. I frequently come to this keyboard, and spill out first, how us men need to step up for our women. I do that first because I'm still of the mind state that men are protectors. Men are leaders. Humbly. Even in that, though, men aren't robots. We need, too.
Before I get too far into it, I want to profoundly state that, our women haven't neglected us. Our women stand on the front lines everyday defending us. I don't want that to get lost in the perspective. However, what I've observed gradually more and more is that, even the people who want to love, don't exactly know how to. We don't have nearly as many blueprints as my grandparents' and parents' generations had to follow so its very little trial and so much error these days.
What do men want? What do men need? Does he love me? The first two questions are great, the third question is the wrong question, in this moment anyway. There's a paranoia that comes with love now where people feel like they can't "do too much". In a generation where certain unfortunate trends have left women betrayed, bitter, and in poverty because men have been excused for not being men, many women now are scared to love naturally. The natural desire in the nature of a woman to love wholly and unselfishly. The bravery it takes to ignore the society around you and still love this way takes a stronger woman than it takes for a strong man to step in front of a bullet; But we need that! Only a woman has the ability to make a man turn off his instincts. Throughout history we've seen this in many instances whether it was to that man's benefit or his detriment. But only when a woman has exercised that ability, can a man reach his full potential. Contrary to the divisive rhetoric that have been drilled into us over the last couple of decades, black men and women, we NEED each other. A man needs to know that his woman has in essence, put him before herself. Stay with me. haha. To love someone genuinely is to do just that. You basically put the needs, desires, and feelings of someone else before yourself. Men are naturally wired this way. Even with their kids. For us it's learned behavior. It may be learned from the woman he loves romantically, or his mother or grandmother. Hence the saying, "If you want to know how he'll treat you, look at how he treats his mother". Now that's certainly not a full proof practice but what it's really implying is that, that's probably the most important woman in a single man's life so paying attention to how he's willing to sacrifice for that woman will give you a barometer on how much he's willing to emotionally sacrifice and cater to a woman. How much he's learned to embrace unselfishness for the sake of a woman. Good women truly make us better. The right woman makes us great. As men we're trained to be soldiers. A soldier in the field of war has to be prepared for harm to come his way from any and every foreign being. Be that a child, a woman, or a bag in a strange area. So, unfortunately, that training leads us to be cold and distant initially. To change that you have to prove yourself to us. Make sure that man has proven himself to you first. Trust me, I know we're asking a lot.
In proving yourself to a man, you're just proving to his heart and his ego that you see him worth immunity. Be that in superficial ways or not. "Well if he don't call me, I'm not calling him" or "If he don't say I love you, I won't". How many of you think like this? It's counterproductive. NO! I'm not saying women should be doing the pursuing. I'm old school. A woman doesn't have to take all the initiative to communicate, but a woman, most times, have to take the initiative to love. She has to teach him how to love. She can't go into it trying to compete with him on who's doing what. When he learns that from you, you become what he trusts. That's when doing these things become second nature to him. Then you become his new strength. Before that his programming is what protected him. Now your love does. It nurtures him. It energizes him. It inspires him. Him knowing that someone else appears to genuinely care about him, even more than he cares about himself, will always breakdown the wiring society has given him. Because everyone else poses a threat that he always has to be ready to defend himself against, except his mother. A woman's touch is more than physical, in both aspects though, it's unmatched. The only way for a woman to tap into this is to take that leap of faith to love him unselfishly. Without competition. I know that leap seems to be as wide as the Grand Canyon in this era, but even with men being leaders, a great leader knows when to take direction from a trusted adviser. There's no Barack Obama, without a Michelle Obama. She's as much apart of his identity as his very face is. She allows him the comfort of knowing despite it all, someone is in his corner. He often references her tenure as the best First Lady of all time, as a job she didn't even ask for. It's so much gratefulness in him saying that. He's essentially saying she was willing to die for his dream. Unselfishly. Selfishly, she could have said, "I don't want to deal with this" or "You won't have enough time for me", or "You're going to be around too many women" but her leap of faith and her love for him settled his soul. She made it possible for him to face adversity with a strong will while also having peace of mind. So is cooking for him so important? Yes. It's it a necessity for every man? No. Is doing the majority of cleaning your absolute job for every man? No. To truly love unselfishly is to not love every man the same. Or not love every man based on what society tells you that you should do x amount of times per week. To love unselfishly is to give that person what THEY need. You might need a lot of attention, that man might need a man cave and 2 hours every other night of space to watch the game. Don't resent that. Embrace that. Understand that. Understand that when you love somebody it's about them. Them loving you is about you.
Ladies, I'm not blind or neglectful to the fact that many of you do this everyday, for the wrong man. I realize I'm speaking from a state of an ideal situation. But I just know, as a man, and a friend to men of many walks of life, we all need unselfishness. Understanding in its essence is unselfishness. Looking at a situation from the perspective of how that person feels vs how you yourself feel.
Just my thoughts!
