Some food for thought- Did you eat ?! :My personal take on the latest release by Solange"

“I am feeling kinda hungry cause my high is coming down

Don't feed me yours cause your food does not endure

I think I need a cup of tea, the world keeps burning

Oh what a day, what a day what a day” – E. Badu

This past week Solange invited us to have a seat at the table and I must say it was delicious. The meal served was nothing short of your great-grandmother (who I was blessed to know for a huge part of my life) cooking up a family dinner on Sunday. On the menu, friend chicken, black eyed peas, corn bread, collard greens and a glass of sweet iced tea brewed from a hot stove. My southern background crept out in the most glorious way. Solange fed our soul with her words and a psychedelic mood, floating over funky beats giving us what we’ve been craving.

She captures exactly what it means to be black in this country today. Culture appropriation. Racism. Injustice of our black men and women. The struggles. The pain. The innovation. The pride. The heartbreak. The joy.

The surprise for me on this album were the interludes spoken by Mr. No Limit himself, Master P. I took this as the fried chicken, he was the meat. Mama Tina and Dad’s interludes being the flour and that extra season sprinkled throughout. Master P takes us back to the beginning of his company, No Limit Records. He paints the picture of what life was like for blacks back then and what it is for us now. The conversations with his grandfather, him taking his idea to shop his CDs in the back of his trunk like the Avon lady that he saw in his hood and later ended up on the music charts when everyone told him he wouldn’t happen. That spoke to me and the youth of today, keep pushing and be innovative. No is not the final answer. He had the formula perfected so much that a white man was going to buy it from him, sound familiar?!

Every fashion trend, hair style and musical sound sounds like us. We did it first. It came naturally to us and someone became fascinated with it and copied it to make it their own.

Solange makes sure to address it. Songs like F.U.B.U., which was a popular apparel brand back in the day, For Us By Us, addresses culture appropriation.

Lyrics “For us, this shit is from us Get so much from us Then forget us”

The list of “things” that have been stolen from us runs too long to even start. Things you can’t even put a price tag on like our pride, joy and our lives. We’ve lost so many black men in the last few weeks it’s hard to count, “And you’re a criminal just who are”.

We feel the hurt and pain.

And we are enraged and mad.

In the song “Mad” Solange lets us know that we have all the right to be mad, but where is that going to get us. The frustration and the questions that come from the people surrounding wondering why we are upset with the recent events. She ends with “I’m not feeling allowed to be mad” and how mentally draining it is for her. Over the last few weeks I think that has been the mindset of people of color, and has been for years. The injustice has never been right and we are running out of ways to ask for people to understand where we are coming from. Running out of ways to ask for help. Socially conscious and thought provoking. Telling us to let it go, you can be mad, but don’t let it hold you down. Not to mention we earned a decent verse from Lil’ Wayne.

She warns us in “Weary” to fear the events of this twisted world.

Along with feeling the hurt and struggles of being black I got the feeling of pride about being black. I got happy that my curls are nappy. Mama Tina blessed us with words that makes us proud of our skin that is kissed and stained by the sun. Making us proud to be black and not apologetic about it. I immediately wanted to soak in a tub of coconut oil, shea butter and the tears of those who complain about us being proud of our heritage. I instead adjusted my crown, my head full of kinks and coils.

“Don’t touch my hair” speaks to what it’s like to be a black girl. The same tight curls that the laugh at they take straws and hot curlers to mimic. Our big black lips they copy, drawing them on or getting them filled in. Our big black butts they kept us on show for they spend dollars getting it pushed into them. She sings about her hair being her crown, where she wears her pride, her feelings and all of her glory. Her Black Girl Magic. She plays on words (with our girl Kelly Rowland) saying that she has magic and not to let anyone steal it. But the joke is we naturally possess it and it flows in abundance.

Favorites like “Cranes in the Sky” talk about avoidance. Something that is rather big for me because I always choose to deal with something later on than when it needs to be addressed. She sings about running away and not being able to escape it. What that “it” is for her is undefined, but that “it” for us could be anything. Love, financial burdens, hurt from our past. She concludes what we have always known, you can’t run from it. You have to face it head on.

There are so many favorites and so many different moods that are invoked. I hope that people took away what I took from it, be proud of your blackness and continue to be great. You are always going to be unappreciated, unloved, copied and always have something to be mad about. But you can’t stay mad, hurt or let down forever, adjust your crown and move forward.

Pull up a seat.

Get full.

Is Your Man Ready To Be a Husband?

"Love let's go half on a son, I know my past ain't one, you can easily get past but that chapter is DONE!" - Jay Z; Rapper, Mogul, Entrepreneur




There's a disconnect. Clearly. Between young men and women in 2016. I'm sure there has always been but now I'm in the middle of it. Traditionally speaking people, and society's outside forces, raise their sons and daughters with different levels of emotional awareness. Girls are generally taught to be affectionate and look for love, while boys are taught to be tough and emotionally disengaged and to look for success first, then love later in life. Society's most prevalent double standard has been what's acceptable behavior sexually for men and women. We all know all these things. I say all that to reiterate why the disconnect should come as no surprise. We teach the two genders to look for opposite things then somehow get on the same accord magically overnight. Shockingly and almost beautifully, it does eventually happen for some. Percentage wise it's pretty rare in my community, however. Black women are statistically the least likely to be married. A statistic that has been the baseline sadness to most of my blog posts. I've discussed the insecurities, for both black male and female, this is about helping both see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm speaking mostly from first hand experience but also from extended observation. Women, how do you know if your man is ready to be a husband?

This is a question that I don't want to be confused with when do you know your man is ready to marry you specifically, this is more for women who want to know if a man is really ready to find forever, or if he's just trying to be in the present.  To put it simply, it won't be until he's truly proud of himself. Let's dissect that.

Let's go back to my earlier comments, women are taught to look for love. That inherently leads to a lot of the worth society puts on a woman is when she finds a man, how long can she keep that man, can she keep him monogamous, and if he deems her worthy enough to "give up his hoes"? The sad reality is this is a very true depiction of how women are judged. This is the pressure and paranoia they struggle with almost the minute they graduate high school. I've gone on record to say that women go into complete panic mode if they reach 28 and aren't married. It normally kicks in around 25 but they fight it thru denial as much as they can until around 28 and the pressure starts to really get to them. Between 18-22 college or just being young makes for a pretty good excuse as to why they aren't married. 22-25 is when they are in the gray area. It's the time period where they can be career minded first or use the valid excuse that men their age aren't emotionally mature and still want to "play games". While that's a 50/50 thing it's still a valid excuse. 25-27 is when women have started to slow down from their free flowing life style. Real life responsibilities typically have kicked in more, partying a little less, and the growing desire to "have something real" is become greater by the day. By 28, society and family members are basically saying "Girl what's wrong with you?". You aren't married, may or may not have kids but if you do have them, why you have kids and no husband. What are you doing wrong? IN MY OPINON, that's a two part answer, most of the time it's a combination of young women being attracted to the wrong things in men, therefore they aren't engaging with the type of man that wants to get married anytime soon. The second part is, in this generation a lot of women have become very looks concentrated vs being homemakers and having substance. But that's another blog. So for the women who have what it takes to be great wives, and the first part of the answer is more your problem, what should you look for in a man if you're looking for a husband?

A man that's truly proud of himself is no longer chasing respect as a man. He's simply building more bricks on top of his foundation. Well what does that mean? I said earlier that men are taught to look for success then love later, but does that mean you have to find a rich man to find a good husband? No. Success is very relative, but it's necessary. I'm big on quotes, one of my other quotes is, "If a man is still chasing his dreams (initial dreams), he's probably still chasing women". What all of this culminates to is wherever that man has decided he wants to be in life, he has to achieve that relatively before he ever sees splitting his time and energy to really building a REALationship that ends in marriage. There's exceptions to every rule, of course, but generally speaking that's what it takes. I can use myself for example, when my son was born I was a 21 year old kid, no career direction. My dream of playing basketball professionally had all but faded on a college redshirt opportunity that went left, and I was kind of just going thru the motions. My son was born and I couldn't afford his diapers, let alone afford to take care of my family. I didn't feel like a man. I felt like a child, with a child. I also felt like, I had to get my life on track. Despite other problems between his mother and I, no matter how good things were going at that point, there was no way I would marry her. I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A MAN. I wasn't proud enough of me. So that was my supreme focus. Everything else was just a distraction. Entertaining other girls were a distraction. But it required little time and energy. The young dating scene doesn't require much responsibility but it's the most instant gratification. Meeting a girl, a stranger, and being intriguing enough to go from a stranger to someone she felt she "needed" to please, needed to communicate with, needed to have in her life, sadly, was the only time I felt like a man. It was the easiest way to feel special. Because in the real world, I was nothing. In my mind. I was raised by the old guard that men provide and as much as the lines have been blurred modern day, the underlying sentiment is a man is only a man when he can provide stability. When he can provide financially for his woman and kids. That's where our worth is put. ESPECIALLY as black men. So in most cases, until a man has crossed that bridge, he can only give you a piece of him. His focus is bettering himself, not compromising for love. So fast forward a couple years, I've made something of myself. I had a career, not a job, I had a career. I was making good money, I was living in a big city, I could buy within reason everything I wanted materialistically. Shoes, a nice apartment, could pay bills for the place my son and his mom lived in. I was proud of me. About 6 months into that, things changed. After I received the superficial attention that came with that, that's definitely a prominent stage also, I started to realize none of it was making me as happy as I thought. We see it all the time with rich people and celebrities, but we never think about it on more of a common level. But that's when I started to realize that love and companionship had actual value. More value than the money and materialistic acclaim I had been chasing. It took me getting that success and realizing that it only meant so much to me. The crazy part is, if I was still that 21 year old Travis who couldn't buy diapers or pay my bills, I would still be the one saying "I'm not getting married. I just want to get this money". My perspective would have never changed. I would have never stop using women to stroke my ego. Don't get me wrong, there's MUCH more money I want to make, there's a lot more new career aspirations that have developed for me that I really want to accomplish, but I accomplished enough of my first tier goals to be able to sleep peacefully. So if your man wants to be a rapper, and that's all he's putting his energy into, and he hasn't had any substantial wins in that arena yet then he's probably not ready to be married. That doesn't mean he won't be good to you. That just means marriage probably going to happen further down the line. If his dreams don't include a lavish lifestyle and he wants to a doctor or an engineer, or a head high school coach or a professor, no matter how big or small in status his dream is, he's not really going to start thinking about real partnership until he checks that off of the goal list. Women normally are fine with "growing with you" but fundamentally that's just not how men work. As much as we want a "ride or die", because we do, marriage normally isn't come until we reach the destination. Success has to come for us first, more time than not. Relative to whatever we deem is success. Then that success also has to marinate for a time period. Love will always come first with women. Fundamentally society teaches us to be functionally dysfunctional.

Me,  being the biggest rap, and Jay Z fan, in the world I always use the correlation with Jay Z songs. Because what Jay Z does better than anyone is show where he currently is in his life. When he was on the come up he was making songs like "Big Pimpin'". Around 2001-2002 his sound changed. He had reached undisputed elite status at the top of the game that's when songs like "Song Cry" where he looks back on the good woman he did wrong because his ambition took precedent, "Bonnie & Clyde 03", and "Excuse me miss" happened. He was in that transitional stage. That's reportedly when he started dating Beyonce. Taking nothing from Beyonce, she's an amazing talent and appears to be an even more amazing woman but timing played a big part in their relationship in my opinion. He was ready to find something more fulfilling after getting the success and ready to put work in for it. It was all in his music. And now we get songs like "Best Thing", "Suit and Tie", and "Drunk In Love". What stage is your man, or the one you have your eye on, in?

WHY WE SHOULD CELEBRATE OUR SINGLE FRIENDS?!

As we age there are mile markers that we supposed to hit, or so we think. For women and men of a certain age society has told us that we are supposed to be at a highlighted point in our lives. Some of us hit those points on time and others of us are late to the party. But to be honest the thoughts of society haven’t changed since we were kids and are extremely outdated. As a 28-year-old woman, according to society, I should be married and have kids by now and I don’t. That isn’t my current plan or thought process. On the other hand, men at the same age aren’t held to those exact same standards. Society gives them an imaginary pass to hit that mile marker a little later in life or they get excused from it period.

Society’s rules are outdated (I repeat).

Unfortunately, people still think along those same lines.

When I originally thought about writing this post it came with a story. Recently this year I was asked to be in the wedding of a lifelong friend. I was thrilled and excited to be a part of her story, especially since I been there for her throughout her relationship. I was thrilled to be there for her just as I had been there for her through birthdays, baby showers, baby dedications, and engagements. Pretty much every event leading up to the big day. As a friend that is what you are supposed to do, no arguments there.

Also recently I returned from my first deployment, where I accomplished some pretty great things (pats self on back) and our unit and the state of Georgia decided to honor us. A huge and pivotal moment in my military career. For this special night I decided to choose a dress, which I loved and had been eying for months. I wore this dress to our military ball and award ceremony and I received tons of compliments and I felt beautiful. This was a big night for me and one that would probably never occur again.

Of course I posted pictures to every social media site that I own and felt happy about the influx of likes and comments I received from friends and family. In addition to those my friend reached out to me to ask me about my dress and where I got it, it hadn’t even been 24 hours. Maybe it’s me, but I have never been a “Where did you get this?” person especially to my friends because everyone likes to have their own sense of style and feel one of a kind. Needless to say I gave up the info but I also had a conversation with my friend about not wearing the same exact dress that I wore for my big night to her wedding. She agreed with me, letting me know that she wouldn’t choose that dress and in fact she had her eye on something completely different.

Fast forward to a week ago and my dress has been dropped in a group chat for the wedding party. I saw it and didn’t say anything, but someone mentioned it to me. I knew how I felt and had heard opinions from other people. The plan was to ignore my feelings and proceed, but I had to say something. The girlfriend code had been broken. My friend had gone back on her word and I confronted her about. The conversation never included any type of remorse, it was simply that’s what we are wearing and deal with it. If you know me I’m not a “deal with it” type of person and I made my decision to not wear my dress again.

I mentioned this to a recently married friend of mine and she simply told me this is a special night for your friend.

That conversation made me realize how single women are viewed in society. The only special thing we have going for us is our birthdays, and it’s the same predictable thing every year. No one values our success in the other areas of our lives unless we’re shoving it on our Facebook timelines. A special night to me gets trumped because it is not that special day that ever woman dreams of since birth (exaggeration at its finest). Her telling me that made me think of an episode on Sex and The City where Carrie had gone to an event for a friend, celebrating the birth of a baby and her high end $400+ Manolo Blahniks were stolen. Carrie’s friend didn’t take ownership but simply blamed Carrie for leading this extravagant lifestyle that her friend could no longer afford due to her being a wife and a mother. In the end Carrie received her shoes, but she made a point. Women do not get celebrated or acknowledged after graduation. She had been there for a friend through baby showers, births, weddings and every time giving up her time and her money to buy a gift and her friend could not level the playing field just that one time.

The episode is priceless because it truly depicts how invaluable women become after a certain age if they are still single. How events in their lives aren’t special because society doesn’t deem them to be.

We should be celebrating our single friends! In a world where everyone is telling you your living your life wrong, directly or indirectly, I think it takes some courage to do what you want to do. Be single, be free and make strides in your career. There are other accomplishments that happen in life other than getting one year closer to retirement.

Learn to celebrate your single friends just as they celebrate you!

-Ingrid

Past, Future and Reality

You ever wonder about what lies
Behind the wonder in someones eyes
I was walking doing the street
Moving to my own beat
Thinking about you and me, me and you
And then i ran into this brother who seemed kind of blue
I asked him what was the matter
In reply he offered me some laughter
He told me "happiness doesn't always last"
I replied "you shouldn't stay focused on the past"
"Well you go on and keep your humming"
I did but my pace turned to running
Negativity has a way of trapping you
Running your race, hoping it doesn't end up lapping you
As i turned the corner i wanted to look back and see
There was a woman waiting for me
She offered a smile, offered me tea and asked if i had a minute
I really had to get going, but i stayed and asked her whats in it
She replied "i sprinkled some opportunity and time, added a pinch of hope"
A few sips and i felt like i was on dope
She told me to keep smiling and soon i would understand
I did, thanked her for her tea and continued my plan
Right when i made it to my stop, i found
something that made an awful good sound
It was a child with hair as big as the sun
And he was banging on a steel drum
He ordered me to dance and i twisted my hips
He continued to bang as i parted my lips
He gave me a small little note that he placed in my palm
Said it was a recipe for when in a storm to stay calm
Brightness surrounded him and I
And in an instant i wanted to cry
But his hands kept banging and he whispered something
"You have everything you need. Want for nothing"
The past is just the past
Sadness never last
The future gives you optimism
To break free from any mental prison
But you're reality has the power to make you dance
If you focus on the good and give it a chance :)

Is closure really necessary?

Is closure really necessary?

The older I get the more I learn the art of letting go. Its not a 1 2 3 walk away quickie there is definitely a science to it. Everyone on the surface has the method and the ability to just leave things as they were (sarcasm). There is a disgusting obsession with being a savage. My take on it is simple, use people until you cant and then leave them right where you found them. 

Lets be honest, we are all using someone for something. The word use doesn't mean that it has to be negative. We use our friends to give us love, laughs and comfort. We use our parents and family to gives us support. We use our relationships to build intimacy and various other things that we cant gain anywhere else. But what happens when that friendship ends or that relationship dissipates? Its popular to say that you don't care, you moved on, you found something better. My favorite, "Im taking time out to work on me."

Is part of the healing process not finding closure? Closing up those open wounds? Closing that door, that passageway that allows that energy (person/thing) to flow back? Or is it a one way valve equipped to keep you from regurgitating the same things repeatedly?

Jill Scott has a song called Closure which she talked about during an interview. She talks about having sex one more time before leaving someone. But is that really necessary. Closure or an excuse to linger and stay around just a little bit longer? The interview stayed light where jokes were tosses around about having sex so much better than all the times before because "this is it, this is closure". Is that the science?  If you know its the end then why not just walk away? 

In Sex and The City Carrie and Big danced around every season lingering for the sake of trying to salvage something that definitely was over. In the light of it gaining closure seems like a trap. You get caught up in the good and tend to forget the bad. Gaining closure may be a conversation and you start reminiscing on how they made you laugh, how much fun y'all had eating at the waffle house after a night of drinking or that one time the sex was so good. I watched a black series called Chef Julian and the main character had a closure session with a girl he is really into and he behaved immaturely. The climatic scene ended in him wiping tears from his eyes. Closure can be hurtful. It can also be selfish and reopen wounds that should've never been picked in the first place. 

Now don't get me wrong I sometimes suck at walking away and trying to get closure. One of the main reasons some of my exes can send me a text today and I could pause writing this to write them back. Or a friend from college could stop me at an event and we could talk like we haven't missed years, huge chunks out of each others life. It isn't easy and I don't believe that everyone has the ability. An art form in the simplest terms. 

What does one gain from it?

Is it necessary?

Are you enlightened? Is there a sense of peace at the end of it?

Is closure really necessary or is it an excuse?

At a certain point we have to stop giving life to dead situations. Closure is an internal battle that you fix within yourself. If you never got peace during the relationship or friendship chances are you aren't going to get it in the end. There is a peace in wishing them well and letting them go. 

"You're thinking it's a new beginning

When I know that it's the ending
We ended our time for a reason"

-Jilly from Philly "Closure" 

That lonely hour

Lonely hour

This is that lonely hour

That "wyd. You should come over" hour

And if you still acting shy

How about I pull up over hour

This is that lonely hour

Kiss you on your lips real slow hour

And if you don't tell me to stop

Then this is that lay your body low hour

When if we get it on we got to keep our voices low hour

Don't want to wake the neighbors and give them a show hour

This is that lonely hour

Where we wont be doing nothing holy hour

The only time you pray to God is when you touch your toes hour

That "i just ate an hour ago" but i can taste you once more hour

That lonely hour where all that yoga you been practicing

Makes your hips rise, that back dip, soul climaxing

Skin to skin, sweat and our fluids get into the mix hour

That I got mine but I made sure you got your fix hour

And although these are just words, pauses and letters

Hope that your hairs are standing high and your panties wetter

This is still that lonely hour

You haven't text to show me hour

What all the possibilities could be

If you let go of your fears of me

In the back of your mind I got you thinking of all of your favorite positions

Chris Brown on the hook have that ass wishing

But ain't no candles to blow baby, its just me

On hands and knees prepared to answer your fantasy

Open your legs touch where you want me to be

I aint got no time to be a tease

Can give you all that you need, that release

But it is still that lonely hour

Neck damp, eyes wide, breathing heavy hour

Could kiss you from your forehead to your toes once more

If you simply unlocked the door 

But you still checking your phone

Waiting on him to come home

That lonely hour indeed

When you crave to satisfy your need 

The fire in you can be silenced no longer

Intense feelings build and get stronger

This is still that lonely hour

Just going to rub one out or where are my batteries hour

Because it     Is.    Still.   That.   Lonely.   Hour