Thankful

It's been a minute since my last post. But here I am to tell you to forget about the past.  I know some people are thinking that's impossible but it's damn near necessary to achieve what you've been put on this earth to accomplish.  The past usually does one of two things, it keeps us in fear or gives a false sense of security.  Honestly I don't know which one is worse.  They both cause you miss out on what's happening right now, one is just voluntary (fear), while the other I'd say is more involuntary. The past preoccupies you with things, that for all intensive purposes, don't matter anymore.  You may have had a loved one die and you don't want to forget them and you shouldn't.  But you should never dwell on situations, like you wish you would've said something more or done something differently. Maybe you really wronged someone or vice versa, the best thing you can do is forgive; forgive yourself for making a mistake, forgive the other person because you deserve it, yes you deserve to forgive, you deserve to be free of the burden of feeling that someone screwed you over, but that's another post.  All in all, there are so many miracles occurring right now in your life, don't let something that happened 5 years ago, 5 months ago, 5 weeks ago, 5 days ago, even 5 minutes ago cause you to miss out on enjoying right now. 

Happy Thanksgiving 

Hiding in Darkness

"To live is to suffer... to survive... well that's to find meaning in the suffering"* - Dmx; Rapper

Interpretation is an art. For example, if I give a speech to a group of kids,  all of them will interpret what I'm saying differently. Some may have similar interpretations but it won't be exactly the same. Now if a group of kids followed me around during my day to day life for a week they would also interpret my behavior and actions differently. Quietly we interpret hundreds of things every day and ignore another several hundred things, unconsciously. In my observation, one of the most common things we ignore is when the people around us are silently living in a mental hell. Depression is very real and very common. We always hear stories of these random acts of suicide by people, famous and unknowns, and the people around them are in complete total shock. THAT is always shocking me. Me, myself, I'm blessed with a curse. As a writer, naturally, I'm a very observant person because my mind is constantly gathering information to process through literature. It's a curse because I can't turn it off when I want to get lost in the world, lost in love, lost in anything... I'm always a prisoner of my mind. It's a blessing for obvious reasons as it helps me as a writer, and it simultaneously gives me instincts that help me navigate through life. Back to the topic. It shocks me because I sometimes forget that everybody doesn't study people the way I do and I wonder, "how did nobody see this coming?"

I don't have studies or exact stats to base this off of but I'm willing to almost bet that one out of every two people, go thru depression at some point in their lives. Obviously, some people go thru it to a deeper extent, for a longer period, and it's more detrimental to some less strong willed people. I, myself, have gone thru it on a two separate occasions. The second time was more confusing, more real, and more lengthy but it was also more apparent. My friends and family spent hours talking to me daily to help me get things out of my head. That may have saved my life. At no point during this particular time did I contemplate suicide but my support system was in tact. And I'm a very vocal and expressive person so I wasn't one of those individuals who wouldn't want to talk about what I'm going through. However, I'm also typically a very nonchalant person. Not easily emotional. Rarely offended. So my behavior was the complete opposite and blatantly stood out as out of the ordinary to everyone around me. But that's rarely the case. My first stint with depression, fairly early in life, was handled in a more common way. I became extremely introverted and reserved. Quiet. I smiled half heartedly when I was around people. I never complained. I never reached out to anybody. I actually was waiting on someone to reach out to me. When no one did, it made it worse. "Don't they see me?" "Can't they see something isn't right with me?" "Can't they see I'm hurting?" These were the questions I initially asked myself. Then sadness materialized to anger and resentment! "They wouldn't care if I was here or not" "Nobody would miss me if I was gone!" "Nobody is paying attention to me because I'm not important to anybody" "Nobody loves me". In the words of the legendary Geto Boys, my mind was playing tricks on me. This is the more common process of depression.

A lot of times people around us are crying for help and we don't hear them. We don't see them. To give some examples that will help my generation, more so the generation right after mine, relate more. Think of the "hottest" rapper in the game right now, in my opinion, Future. While I love the mixture of dope beats and catchy punchlines, party lyrics and perfectly blended melodies, it is my sincere opinion that Future is extremely depressed! His music is crafted perfectly for the party vibe and for a generation that I think is even more depressed than ever before across the board. Future at his core raps about "a good time". His beats are very club friendly and his lyrics don't have very intricate wordplay. It's an easy zone to get into after a long week when you want to unwind. But what goes simultaneously noticed and ignored is the very HEAVY drug use that he indulges in. I'm not here to play judge or jury, God or any higher power, but nobody needs to frequent that amount of drugs or that frequency of drug or alcohol use unless they're going thru things so heavy that they need to be taken out of their reality every chance they get. Does everybody that like to have a drink need therapy? No. Does everybody that ever takes a pull of marijuana need therapy? No. But anybody that would rather smoke than eat is going thru something. Anybody that can't get thru their day without getting drunk or high or both is going thru something. A person that wasn't a drug user or alcohol user and overnight become a heavy abuser of them, is going thru something. That's just my opinion. It's not all fun and games! The problem is that it's so common now that no one notices that people are literally killing themselves slowly. It takes a certain level of depression to become addicted to drugs in my opinion. It takes a certain level of depression to even be open to certain substances you know will kill you. But people need to escape. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, its also a terrible place to be a prisoner of.

I think of Robin Williams, Chris Lighty, Kurt Cobain, Whitney Houston, and Michael Jackson. All of these highly successful people committed suicide! Some of the biggest stars we've ever had, "they had it all" some would say, but they were miserable! The reality of it is that being rich won't make you happy but ironically being broke can make you miserable. Being famous won't make you loved, it'll make you envied. There's a certain love that a fan can have for you. Your biggest fan. But it's not personable. You can't attach to that love everyday. Once you're off stage, metaphorically or literally, you can't feed off of that love. These people all seemed to suffer from not feeling genuine personable love in their regular lives. People depended on their resources so much, but did they really love the person? I'm sure these people didn't feel that the love was unconditional. Most depression comes from feeling unloved. Even if you are loved. It's not being shown consistently enough or literally how you think it should be. Whether that be from family, friends, lovers, or spiritually. When your needs aren't being met it hurts. People handle it in different ways. Some people become depressed and some become angry and defiant. I see people tweet multiple times per hour on twitter "Can't trust nobody" in some form or fashion. That's a red flag. That symbolizes to me that this person feels alone. And as much as we will act like we don't, everybody needs somebody. Loneliness is a main root of depression because that pain can be deeper than the Atlantic Ocean. When these red flags are presented in abundance and no one notices or reacts to it, it just increases the state of that person's depression.

In conclusion, PAY ATTENTION! People are dying everyday, but it's not just the people daily that stop breathing. There's people you love who are walking around dead or dying everyday and you have failed to notice. That hurts! A lot of times, the same way people don't normally tell people they love them everyday, they won't tell people they're hurting everyday. No one wants to appear weak so they try to deal with everything on their own, but pay attention. When you see people you love acting out of character, displaying their misery, reach out to them. You could save a life. Save love. So many people are hiding in darkness!

#RelationshipGoals

"If you take care of me.... I'll take care of us!" - Joe Budden; rapper

So I have been putting off this particular blog topic for a while because I needed the right inspiration, time, and clear thinking to properly express myself on it. Today, as I'm headed back home I got that inspiration. Pulling in to a gas station I witnessed a cardinal sin, in my opinion. I witnessed a young woman, seeming to be around 25, pumping her gas as, what appeared to be her boyfriend, sat in the passenger seat! Now immediately I'm sure some of you are thinking, "That could be her brother". This would be possible but the way he had his arm around her seat or shoulder area just painted the picture of him being her mate, so that's what i'm going with. Back to the topic. To me, this is unacceptable. I'm just of the mindset that if you're in the car with your girl and she stops to get gas, the man pumps it. Anybody agree? That's a "gender role" to me. 

Daily on twitter people redundantly ask questions about what a man should do or what a woman should do and to me it normally can be described as basic gender roles. I touched on it somewhat in a past blog but let's really get into it. Should gender roles exist? I think so. But in recent memory, masculinity in men have slowly, but surely dissipated! The genesis of this can go back as far as the 1980's but I don't wanna go THAT deep into it. I mean, this is a blog, not a book! But let's just look at the last 5 years in what I would consider "pop culture". There's a growing conflict between traditionalists, millennials, and feminists. Let me say as a disclaimer, that will surely go overlooked by some, I don't have an issue with the ideal of feminism. But I don't agree with everything they consider oppression or oppressive. But I don't have to. My right to have an open mind and disagree doesn't supersede their right to be offended and active. I never want to dismiss the plight women have experienced here. But again, I don't have to always agree.

The main reason I believe the discrepancy in gender roles exist is because men have become less and less inclined to be what I consider a man to be. Because of this women have subsequently been forced to adjust for survival. For example, a "strong black woman" doesn't need a man to take care of her in the traditional sense that our grandparents may have coexisted. So much so that expecting a woman naturally to do the majority of the cooking and cleaning now has become offensive to some. A lot of men now think women should split all household bills, including rent, regardless of the difference in income. There's no right or wrong answer, this is all a matter of preference, but i have to believe that the clearly defined or implied gender roles of yester-generation contributed to the longevity in those relationships vs the microwave era of relationships today. Expectations back then were so concrete that it eliminated confusion, and where there's less confusion there's more success. 

Me, personally, I'm all for gender roles. If a man enjoys cooking and his woman doesn't then of course there's nothing wrong with that compromise but it shouldn't be frowned upon if a man prefers his wife to do more domestic duties. I don't think a woman should pump her gas if her boyfriend or husband is in the car and capable. I don't think women should pay for dates unless it's a special occasion that she wants to. I don't think a man should have to do the laundry regularly. I don't think a woman should have to take our her trash or get her car cleaned or serviced regularly. I think we've gotten so competitive with our mates when that's who you're supposed to be one with, not at odds with! Nobody wants to be perceived as doing more, or giving more, so we do less and give less and our mates go unsatisfied. Resentment sets in, that grows into spite, which then becomes neglect on both sides. Now exit strategies are being formed. 

I love the movie Casino. So many life lessons in that movie. Sam Rothstein was a man of many things but what stood out the most to me was his principles. One of the main lessons I learned was that choosing the wrong mate is very costly. Was Sam perfect? No! Did Sam know of Ginger's past and current hustler mentality when he married her? Yes. Which is why he clearly chose the wrong woman. She had no interest in domesticated life. She didn't want to "take care of home". She loved the game. She also loved her ex. And she loved being Ginger more than anything. Not Mrs. Rothstein. I say that to say, don't give it all to someone who isn't giving you what you need. But in a mutually beneficial and satisfying relationship both parties have to play their role. Whatever that role may be. Most of those roles will be gender specific. Embrace them. Talk to your mate about them. Find the compromise on what works for the two of you. Then thrive in them. Oppression is real but I don't want preference to be confused with said oppression. We're the Generation of the Overly Offended in a lot of cases!

In conclusion, relationship or not, gender roles exist and there's nothing I love more than being a man and embracing certain responsibilities that come with being a man. So the next time I'm walking in a door and a lady is in front or behind me, I'm holding that door. Because that's what a man should do!