Six 47

6:47 am. 2/19/15 

It's funny how things can hit you. One minute you're up watching television then the next you're crying about something. Well maybe not crying crying but a few tears may have fallen due to the freezing temperatures outside. (Yeah that's it) But for whatever reason that's me right now. Not too many things get to me enough to make me that sensitive. I'm a grown man who can admit that it's ok to be sensitive at times. I'm like that over people that I really care about and I guess I just found out about love too. Coming off a rough last few months where I lost my girlfriend and my grandfather passed away a month later I've tried to isolate myself a little bit. In doing so I've had a lot of time to think and reflect. Instead of hiding from everything by going out and meeting people I wanted to just be alone with my thoughts. I recently went to Houston for my birthday weekend to get away and clear my head and it definitely helped. (I also went to the strip club three times but thats neither here nor there) I was out there with my cousins and a few friends. I had a great time and it was a lot of love out there. And right now watching a show, three friends all told the other friend they loved him. I know this might seem kind of weird but I try to make sure I tell the people I love that I do love them. Most people including my family have a hard time saying it back or have a weird response. I make sure I tell my son every single time I see him or we talk. I make sure I tell my friends as well. I don't really recall my family saying it to me when I was younger. I guess they weren't big on saying it even though we definitely have a lot of love between us. The more I write this the crazier I feel about it, but I just like to know people actually love me because you never know. I feel like most of it is fake. (Even from the strippers but I'll accept that) Anybody can say they love you or are in love but it's mostly bullshit they feed you because they're too scared to eat it themselves. When I feel love from people no matter what our relationship is, I make sure I show love back to them. Having love for people is really what makes this world. That's what God wants. We won't ever be perfect but we can love. Love is perfect. But I guess the reason I shed a few tears is because I just like to hear people say they love me first so I know you actually feel it and it's not just a response. That's not really too much to ask. 

In The Moment

Catch yourself in the moment. That's where joy and happiness resides. Not in the past. Not in the future, but in that very moment. -Unknown

It's so easy to get caught up in things that happened to you in the past or worrying about the future. The question is have you really ever enjoyed the moment? When was the last time you took the time to enjoy a breeze or be present in a genuine conversation with a love one or friend? Those are moments you have no time to worry about the past or the future. Joy is in that very moment when you can recognize the little things & truly appreciate them. Remember stressing about the past or worrying yourself about tomorrow is robbing you of the happiness you could be experiencing now. Those are the moments that could have been important, but you will never know... 


~Tess~

Serenity

February 14th 2015. 

After almost 3 months of heartache I'm currently in Houston on a mini vacation with my cousins. It's 70 degrees and I'm sitting by the pool. We've got the grill going and the drinks poppin. The scene is so peaceful right now. I can hear the music and everybody playing dominoes in the background but the sound of the fountain in the pool is way more dominant. I'm so relaxed right now. This is the most relaxed I've been in months. Even on the day that's supposed to bother me my mind is completely at peace. Being in another state with no worries and around real love is exactly what I needed. My birthday was Tuesday and everybody has taken care of me since I got here. I know Sunday night things will go back to normal but it's been cool being reminded of how dope life can be. I guess this is what a vacation is supposed to do. 32 is starting out good for me. I'm just trying to keep this energy going. 

Comfort Zone

I was having a conversation with my bro the last night and we were talking about how far we've come and where we'd like to go. We talked about his past and how it shaped his life up to this point and mine as well. He said when he came back home in his eyes I was the man. Granted it was a small city but still. I played football and I was popular I guess. I was known on campus and around town and got a lot of love. Then he asked "what happened?" Suggesting that I fell off. Honestly I never cared about attention or being the man so that type of label is easy to break away from. I've never cared about attention, in fact I've pretty much tried to avoid a lot of attention because I'm actually really awkward in social settings. I don't have the confidence to walk up to a woman and talk to her. I'd rather not even go out to the clubs and what not. Well I take that back. I don't mind going out just as long as I don't have to interact with too many people (unless they're strippers). The older I've gotten (32 years old tomorrow) I've realized how much of an introvert I am. I like being home with my thoughts. I like writing and I'm starting to read more. When I was younger I hadn't really realized who I was like most people haven't at that age. Now I fully accept who I am and how dope I think I am. If I think I'm dope there has to be at least one other person on this earth who thinks I am too. Looking back I can't believe I went out as much or was on the scene as much. Now when I go out or go anywhere, nobody knows my name or anything about me. Nobody knows what I do. No women are really checking for me like that. It's actually a good feeling because now I have the element of surprise and I can go from not noticeable to the most amazing personality from a simple conversation. Getting to a place where you're comfortable with who you are is a good place to be. I don't give a f**k what anybody thinks of me. 

Ima Live Forever

I remember when I was younger I thought I would somehow play football for a living. When I say somehow it doesn't mean I wasn't good but it's crazy to think that beyond playing football I had no clue what I wanted to be. I don't even remember when it hit me that I'd never get paid for that but I wish it would've earlier. I've always been creative and liked to write but I was always shy about putting anything out there for anybody to check out. In the past 2 years and more importantly past 2 months I've really been exploring my creative side and have been sharing more than I've ever shared. And I'm so into it now I feel like this is what I was supposed to be doing. I've been writing a lot and then I blog. Even tho it's not about anything really it's cool to have one. And for it to get views even if they're only from Trav's posts. It's something that I did that people can check and support if they want. I always say it's dope when somebody digs the way you think. I feel like I have to do something great with this. I can become a voice for somebody. Who I don't know only time will tell but I feel like this is how I'll live forever. 

What Is.

Have you ever just wondered what's next? I know I do. Especially as of late I've been waiting for life to get better. I just wanna get back to a happy space. I know God is taking me there but I have to make a few stops along the way. Truth be told I was happy in a situation but I wasn't happy with the work I was putting in in other areas. Maybe I needed to be removed so I could realize my purpose and while it hurts it obviously has a higher meaning. So I've been left wondering what is going to happen next and when!? But when you think about it, that's what's dope about life is that you never know. I mean you really have no clue what's going to happen from one minute to the next. You can spend time worrying so much about what's coming you can't appreciate what's here. It's the same thing for the past. I'll admit that's been one of my biggest issues and I've made a commitment to try and focus on today and making it the best day of my life everyday. It won't be easy but I feel like if I can master that I'll live a happy life. When what's next happens I'll be ready for it. I guess I just had to learn what was and what could be isn't as important as what is.