Serenity

February 14th 2015. 

After almost 3 months of heartache I'm currently in Houston on a mini vacation with my cousins. It's 70 degrees and I'm sitting by the pool. We've got the grill going and the drinks poppin. The scene is so peaceful right now. I can hear the music and everybody playing dominoes in the background but the sound of the fountain in the pool is way more dominant. I'm so relaxed right now. This is the most relaxed I've been in months. Even on the day that's supposed to bother me my mind is completely at peace. Being in another state with no worries and around real love is exactly what I needed. My birthday was Tuesday and everybody has taken care of me since I got here. I know Sunday night things will go back to normal but it's been cool being reminded of how dope life can be. I guess this is what a vacation is supposed to do. 32 is starting out good for me. I'm just trying to keep this energy going. 

Comfort Zone

I was having a conversation with my bro the last night and we were talking about how far we've come and where we'd like to go. We talked about his past and how it shaped his life up to this point and mine as well. He said when he came back home in his eyes I was the man. Granted it was a small city but still. I played football and I was popular I guess. I was known on campus and around town and got a lot of love. Then he asked "what happened?" Suggesting that I fell off. Honestly I never cared about attention or being the man so that type of label is easy to break away from. I've never cared about attention, in fact I've pretty much tried to avoid a lot of attention because I'm actually really awkward in social settings. I don't have the confidence to walk up to a woman and talk to her. I'd rather not even go out to the clubs and what not. Well I take that back. I don't mind going out just as long as I don't have to interact with too many people (unless they're strippers). The older I've gotten (32 years old tomorrow) I've realized how much of an introvert I am. I like being home with my thoughts. I like writing and I'm starting to read more. When I was younger I hadn't really realized who I was like most people haven't at that age. Now I fully accept who I am and how dope I think I am. If I think I'm dope there has to be at least one other person on this earth who thinks I am too. Looking back I can't believe I went out as much or was on the scene as much. Now when I go out or go anywhere, nobody knows my name or anything about me. Nobody knows what I do. No women are really checking for me like that. It's actually a good feeling because now I have the element of surprise and I can go from not noticeable to the most amazing personality from a simple conversation. Getting to a place where you're comfortable with who you are is a good place to be. I don't give a f**k what anybody thinks of me. 

Ima Live Forever

I remember when I was younger I thought I would somehow play football for a living. When I say somehow it doesn't mean I wasn't good but it's crazy to think that beyond playing football I had no clue what I wanted to be. I don't even remember when it hit me that I'd never get paid for that but I wish it would've earlier. I've always been creative and liked to write but I was always shy about putting anything out there for anybody to check out. In the past 2 years and more importantly past 2 months I've really been exploring my creative side and have been sharing more than I've ever shared. And I'm so into it now I feel like this is what I was supposed to be doing. I've been writing a lot and then I blog. Even tho it's not about anything really it's cool to have one. And for it to get views even if they're only from Trav's posts. It's something that I did that people can check and support if they want. I always say it's dope when somebody digs the way you think. I feel like I have to do something great with this. I can become a voice for somebody. Who I don't know only time will tell but I feel like this is how I'll live forever. 

What Is.

Have you ever just wondered what's next? I know I do. Especially as of late I've been waiting for life to get better. I just wanna get back to a happy space. I know God is taking me there but I have to make a few stops along the way. Truth be told I was happy in a situation but I wasn't happy with the work I was putting in in other areas. Maybe I needed to be removed so I could realize my purpose and while it hurts it obviously has a higher meaning. So I've been left wondering what is going to happen next and when!? But when you think about it, that's what's dope about life is that you never know. I mean you really have no clue what's going to happen from one minute to the next. You can spend time worrying so much about what's coming you can't appreciate what's here. It's the same thing for the past. I'll admit that's been one of my biggest issues and I've made a commitment to try and focus on today and making it the best day of my life everyday. It won't be easy but I feel like if I can master that I'll live a happy life. When what's next happens I'll be ready for it. I guess I just had to learn what was and what could be isn't as important as what is. 

Exit Sign.

I wonder what it is about me that makes ppl who I think I have the dopest bonds with leave me. No matter if they're friends or what. 3 of the ppl I've connected with on a totally different level have all left me since I've been in Atlanta. And I was positive I'd want them in my life forever. I'd go to the moon and back for them but I never felt appreciated by either one of them. And I always wanted to be around them. It just bothers me to know that ppl can just walk away from you and not think twice about it. I've never been able to just walk away from a person. I just can't do it. There has to be something wrong with me. What it is I've yet to figure out tho. Never treated any of them bad. Welcomed them to anything I had. Everybody says God removed them from your life bc maybe they weren't good for you and they'll figure out that you were a great person. But that doesn't give me comfort bc again I want them in my life forever. Some ppl just get over it and keep it moving but I hurt for a while bc I don't put much into ppl bc I just don't. So it hurts my heart when it happens bc I honestly give a little of my heart. And I'm definitely being sensitive right now but I get like that over ppl I care about. Now that I think about it make it 4 ppl but whatever. For the ppl who never left I love you to death and would make that same trip to the moon for yall too. I guess the difference is yall would be right there on that same trip. I love yall. Everyone that stayed and everyone that left too. 

Lemonade

"When life gives you lemons make lemonade."- somebody 

Although the saying is definitely true it's not that simple. You've actually got to put in some work for that refreshing drink. 

Nobody likes to go through rough times but we all have to. What matters is who you become after. The situation doesn't matter. It could be the way a boxer changes up his game plan after preparing for months then getting knocked down in the first round. It could also be the kid who grew up in the worst condition winning the Super Bowl one day. Everybody will encounter a time where they go into a situation expecting one thing and getting something totally different. At that point you have to do something to make things better. You have to get those ingredients for your lemonade. Do whatever you have to do to get the job done. After getting handed my own lemons a few months ago my homeboy told me that God is using this pain to push me towards my purpose. And I truly believe it. So now I'm gathering my sugar, getting my water and whatever else that goes into the stuff (I barely drink it) and I'm starting on my drink.  For any bad hands or bag of lemons you have just pray that your purpose gets revealed to you and work towards it. Make it work and sit back and enjoy yours. 

Embracing Fear

The other day I was thinking on how many guys did I know that died while I was growing up and I could only think of two, and both boys had drowned. This sudden realization shocked me, being that I have a child with Autism and that they have great chance to drowning I was immediately struck with fear. The next thought that occurred to me was that I would never let Carter near another swimming pool, lake, pond, even a front yard puddle.  As I thought more on that concept I began to see how I was thinking like King Stefan from Maleficent.

If you haven't seen Maleficent its basically a different take on the Sleeping Beauty that we all know.  The part that is critical to this blog is when after his daughter is cursed that on her 16th birthday she will be pricked with a needle from spinning will that will cast her into a slumber only to be awaken by true love's kiss.  Upon hearing the curse King Stefan reacted how most of us would react, in fear.  He ordered all the spinning wheels be locked away and that his daughter be basically raised away from humanity. Now lets look at this curse another way, what we can take from it is that when your daughter turns 16, she will begin her search for her true love after a small prick from a normal tool allows her to get some good rest.  He could of focused on using those 16 years to being the best father he could be and prepare her for true love has to offer.  He wasted those years in fear of the inevitable as all they things cursed came true, including having a true love.

As I began to focus more on my situation I decided that I wouldn't be like the king but I  would be open to the opportunity that is granted to Carter and I.  If it is probable that Carter will have some sort of experience with water it is better that I help prepare him for that situation and be the best father I can be.  In this new year don't be overcome by fear and fight it with preparation and love.

-Irvin J. Powell