Work in progress...

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If only I loved my husband as much as he loved me.

It was early in the morning, the crack of dawn actually. The only people awake at this time were old people that woke up before sunrise, and then there was me. On the queen sized bed that stood in the middle of the bedroom. My body slumped across it, posing as if I was practicing gaining my inner chi. My husband laid beside me with his arms folded behind his head, firmly positioned on his back. I wasn’t as committed to my sleeping position. I had spent the last five minutes twisting and turning, trying to get into a comfortable spot. I needed to get up, but I wanted to spend a few more minutes wrapped around my husband’s masculine frame. Sweat trickled down the sides of my brow as I tossed the covers around. Still he doesn’t move.

The room is silent. My thoughts drowning me, thinking back to last night. How in love we appeared to be with each other. In front of all our friends and family smiles spread our cheeks high for the entire night. As I start to drift the noise of the ceiling fan whirling above my head catches my attention. It spins on high. The cool air mixes with the warm air from outside. It drowns out the smells of musk. Our scents have mixed together and settled in on the soft cotton bed sheets. I also can smell the liquor from last night seeping from our pores. The humidity is thick, but the slight breeze blowing from outside that pulls some of the air out of the room.

            We were in those months where it wasn’t quite summer and fall hadn’t begun yet. And true to his southern upbringing my husband didn’t believe in cutting the air condition on until the temperature outside hit a certain number. It was hot but with the bedroom windows up and the fan going it was manageable. My hair was already a wild, curly mess after last night so I knew a high messy bun was going to be my choice of style for today.

I moan. I stretch. I touch my husband’s head. I run my slender fingers through his thick dark curls and smile. I love my husband, I truly do. Some days I felt like it wasn’t enough. I didn’t grow up in the best home for learning to love someone. This marriage was my focal point of gaining the essentials on what a woman was supposed to give a man outside of her body. Him on the other hand came to me with the knowledge already implanted. His parents had been married for almost thirty years. He was raised in the church. He was given good morals at a young age. He knew the depths of love to provide to a woman and how to understand. My husband was kindhearted and never hurt a soul. Or he never intended to. There were times during our earlier years of dating throughout college where I ended up with a bruised heart, but he always made it right. He had given me praise telling me I was the first woman that he ever wanted to do right by. So no matter how many times he did wrong something in him compelled him to make it right.

Due to his childhood he had his set ways of doing things. He had his way of loving me. Implanted were rules on how to love a woman, how to care and how to nurture for a woman. The dos and don’ts of love were rooted and I was the fertilizer to encourage it to grow and bloom. His father had taught him that the man was the leader of the household, the provider. The man worked and made sure that the woman didn’t want for anything. I was raised to care for myself and care for a man in a way that made me feel like I was a slave. I turned to books and education to break that unhealthy cycle. Here I was years later trying to balance that beam that weighed heavy.

He didn’t compromise or bend.

He was firm.

He loves me.

I feel sometimes that his love is too much. I get swept up in it and it overwhelms me. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t make me feel special. That he didn’t wrap those big arms around me and make all of my worries go away. There wasn’t a moment where he didn’t make sure that I was keeping him first. He took care of everything that a man should take care of within the household. It was a daily struggle for me to allow him to do so.

Last night was no different. Our fourth year of marriage, on the third Thursday of September, we celebrated with friends and family. I was beautiful to him last night. He made sure to tell me numerous times. As we sat amongst others he made sure to make me his priority. His hand never left mine. His almond shaped eyes always stayed peering into mine. His full lips parted before I could separate mine. With every memory that was offered about us meeting, dating and entering into our union he made sure to squeeze my hand tight. I admired him for his courage. Whenever there was a doubt in anyone’s mind he was the force that was determined to keep this thing going.

I am blessed to have him.

Over chatter, glasses clinking from toast, and jokes being traded amongst our table my husband glorified me. Highlighted me for being the love his life. He held my hand tight and lifted my hand every time someone mentioned the size of my ring. He was proud to show me off. He was proud to have proven that we could make it as long as we have, five whole years together. He was sure to show his gorgeous smile as he opened up to our family and friends how lucky he was that I had given him so many chances.

So many chances to get it right.

Husband and wife.

His cell phone rings. Jerks my attention. I roll over him and lean over to the other side of the bed. On a wooden nightstand lies his phone. On the third ring I answer. Caller ID unknown and a series of ten digits radiate on the screen.

“Hello?”

My voice is thick. Harsh. I sound groggy.

CLICK!

There is no answer from the other line. Instead the person has disconnected. I think it is a client. I decide to try the number back and plan on taking a message for my husband. Whoever the person is answers on the fourth ring.

“Sweetie” a woman’s voice chimes through the phone.

Her voice carries the sound of angels compared to my previous groggy hello. After a few failed attempts to clear my throat, I speak.

“Hello? Who is this?”

There is no answer. I only hear my heavy breathing. I am now sitting up with the phone pinned to my ear.

“Um.. I think I have the wrong number.”

“Im sure”

I disconnect the line. I take my free hand, my left hand, and the hand that housed the rock that my husband used to stamp me as his. I take that hand and dig my fingers in to my scalp. With a swift back and forth motion I shake the loose hair that rests on top of head. My curls shake and resemble tree leaves shaking in the wind. I purse my full lips together and they are chapped. I lick them with my thick tongue. I am thirsty. Dehydrated from a night of drinking and celebrating. I can still taste my husband. I had wanted to slip under the covers and place my head in my husband’s lap. I had wanted his moans to fill our bedroom as they had done the night before. There was this trick that I always kept in tow on special occasions, I wanted to be his magician this morning. All the things that I had wanted to do to him.

“Who was that?”

He speaks. The king of the jungle with hair like wool moves. His hands firmly grip my exposed thighs, he squeezes. His hands trail up from my legs to my stomach. This is where he rests. He moves slowly but demanding as he places his head in my lap. I place my free hand, the other still gripping his cell phone, on his curly head. It had been his pride and joy for the past few months. He was a black man that had been oppressed so many years by “the man” and now that he was free he was embracing his roots, according to him. I didn’t care one bit, I just wanted him to cut this mess.

I grunt. “Wrong number.” I didn’t believe the words even as they left my lips.

Without warning he reaches up and grabs his phone. “Could’ve been a client. They probably weren’t expecting a woman to answer the phone.”

I huff. “Mhm.” Moving swiftly, I’m up and out of bed. I head to bathroom to watch the scent of my husband off of me. If you knew my husband you would know there were so many layers to him. The same man that I made love to last night was not the same man that was upset and pouting because I slipped my card out for the bill, last night, when it came. I knew his financial situation and I didn’t want to put him on the spot. So being the woman that I was and all the extra hours that I was working I could afford to treat my husband to an anniversary dinner. If we were alone it would have been fine, but at a table with our friends, to him, it was an issue.

“A man has to be a man Joan. I should be treating you.”

Larry spoke those words to me last night. Being the loving wife that I was I wouldn’t dare remind my charming husband that he was no longer was employed at his fancy web designer job. Although he pretended to get up a few mornings and go into the office until I caught him red handed. He had quit. Walked off his job, tie in hand, determined to do something better with his time and skills. He had spent the last two years at an imaging firm building web pages for clients that ordered caviar as a side dish. Larry was a real down to earth brotha and he wanted to keep his talents in the community, primarily working with black owned businesses.

Now every workday, he sat in our second bedroom, in front of his computer all day clicking and typing. Still no checks were coming in the way they were previously. That resulted with me picking up extra duties at work and somehow I managed to get promoted. Ever since that promotion Larry had become someone I didn’t know. He was mean at times. He said things that made me question if this was the same man that asked me to be his wife two years ago. Now everything was about him being the man of the house and providing. He constantly stated how disappointed his father would be if he knew the details of our marriage.

I spent my days busting my butt to operate above my skill level and my nights making my man feel like he was still the king in this jungle. He wasn’t. At times I envied him for being so selfish. Quitting his job without asking me how I felt about it. After all the sacrifices I was making he only saw how busy I was and how much time I spent working. My husband was selfish, irresponsible and taking advantage of me. Some nights he wouldn’t even touch me. Other nights he wouldn’t even come to bed. Just sit in front of that computer.

And now some woman was calling for him.

If only my husband loved me as much as I loved him.

5pm Freak

There's a fire burning inside of you
That you can't put out
There's another side of you
That few people know 'bout
That quiet storm brewing in your pelvic region
You're begging for the levees to break
You just need a good reason
Class personified, so you've always held this in
A lady first, you want that to be the view
You present to all these men
So these desires you kept deep within
Are fighting for release in the form of sin
How else can you please you?
You've dedicated your life to a man
That don't quite speak to you
Your husband thinks just keeping the lights on
Should keep you
But he's never tapped inside of the Freak, you!
He's never licked your thighs
Like late night HBO televised
He's never closed the blinds in your office
and watched your alter ego come alive
And your coworkers only see the business you
If only they knew after 5pm, the freak, you
We get caught up in life so much, we forget to live
So much cunnilingus men forget to give
He got so comfortable in the routines
He stopped taking advantage of when you wear skirts
Instead of jeans
Now your mind wanders, and your heart no longer flutters
When the last time you had sex
That wasn't under the covers
Wonder about that
Fantasize about repeating your climax
Get lost in the words
Get lost in your mind
Get lost in your passion
Get lost in your thighs!

Thankful

It's been a minute since my last post. But here I am to tell you to forget about the past.  I know some people are thinking that's impossible but it's damn near necessary to achieve what you've been put on this earth to accomplish.  The past usually does one of two things, it keeps us in fear or gives a false sense of security.  Honestly I don't know which one is worse.  They both cause you miss out on what's happening right now, one is just voluntary (fear), while the other I'd say is more involuntary. The past preoccupies you with things, that for all intensive purposes, don't matter anymore.  You may have had a loved one die and you don't want to forget them and you shouldn't.  But you should never dwell on situations, like you wish you would've said something more or done something differently. Maybe you really wronged someone or vice versa, the best thing you can do is forgive; forgive yourself for making a mistake, forgive the other person because you deserve it, yes you deserve to forgive, you deserve to be free of the burden of feeling that someone screwed you over, but that's another post.  All in all, there are so many miracles occurring right now in your life, don't let something that happened 5 years ago, 5 months ago, 5 weeks ago, 5 days ago, even 5 minutes ago cause you to miss out on enjoying right now. 

Happy Thanksgiving 

Hiding in Darkness

"To live is to suffer... to survive... well that's to find meaning in the suffering"* - Dmx; Rapper

Interpretation is an art. For example, if I give a speech to a group of kids,  all of them will interpret what I'm saying differently. Some may have similar interpretations but it won't be exactly the same. Now if a group of kids followed me around during my day to day life for a week they would also interpret my behavior and actions differently. Quietly we interpret hundreds of things every day and ignore another several hundred things, unconsciously. In my observation, one of the most common things we ignore is when the people around us are silently living in a mental hell. Depression is very real and very common. We always hear stories of these random acts of suicide by people, famous and unknowns, and the people around them are in complete total shock. THAT is always shocking me. Me, myself, I'm blessed with a curse. As a writer, naturally, I'm a very observant person because my mind is constantly gathering information to process through literature. It's a curse because I can't turn it off when I want to get lost in the world, lost in love, lost in anything... I'm always a prisoner of my mind. It's a blessing for obvious reasons as it helps me as a writer, and it simultaneously gives me instincts that help me navigate through life. Back to the topic. It shocks me because I sometimes forget that everybody doesn't study people the way I do and I wonder, "how did nobody see this coming?"

I don't have studies or exact stats to base this off of but I'm willing to almost bet that one out of every two people, go thru depression at some point in their lives. Obviously, some people go thru it to a deeper extent, for a longer period, and it's more detrimental to some less strong willed people. I, myself, have gone thru it on a two separate occasions. The second time was more confusing, more real, and more lengthy but it was also more apparent. My friends and family spent hours talking to me daily to help me get things out of my head. That may have saved my life. At no point during this particular time did I contemplate suicide but my support system was in tact. And I'm a very vocal and expressive person so I wasn't one of those individuals who wouldn't want to talk about what I'm going through. However, I'm also typically a very nonchalant person. Not easily emotional. Rarely offended. So my behavior was the complete opposite and blatantly stood out as out of the ordinary to everyone around me. But that's rarely the case. My first stint with depression, fairly early in life, was handled in a more common way. I became extremely introverted and reserved. Quiet. I smiled half heartedly when I was around people. I never complained. I never reached out to anybody. I actually was waiting on someone to reach out to me. When no one did, it made it worse. "Don't they see me?" "Can't they see something isn't right with me?" "Can't they see I'm hurting?" These were the questions I initially asked myself. Then sadness materialized to anger and resentment! "They wouldn't care if I was here or not" "Nobody would miss me if I was gone!" "Nobody is paying attention to me because I'm not important to anybody" "Nobody loves me". In the words of the legendary Geto Boys, my mind was playing tricks on me. This is the more common process of depression.

A lot of times people around us are crying for help and we don't hear them. We don't see them. To give some examples that will help my generation, more so the generation right after mine, relate more. Think of the "hottest" rapper in the game right now, in my opinion, Future. While I love the mixture of dope beats and catchy punchlines, party lyrics and perfectly blended melodies, it is my sincere opinion that Future is extremely depressed! His music is crafted perfectly for the party vibe and for a generation that I think is even more depressed than ever before across the board. Future at his core raps about "a good time". His beats are very club friendly and his lyrics don't have very intricate wordplay. It's an easy zone to get into after a long week when you want to unwind. But what goes simultaneously noticed and ignored is the very HEAVY drug use that he indulges in. I'm not here to play judge or jury, God or any higher power, but nobody needs to frequent that amount of drugs or that frequency of drug or alcohol use unless they're going thru things so heavy that they need to be taken out of their reality every chance they get. Does everybody that like to have a drink need therapy? No. Does everybody that ever takes a pull of marijuana need therapy? No. But anybody that would rather smoke than eat is going thru something. Anybody that can't get thru their day without getting drunk or high or both is going thru something. A person that wasn't a drug user or alcohol user and overnight become a heavy abuser of them, is going thru something. That's just my opinion. It's not all fun and games! The problem is that it's so common now that no one notices that people are literally killing themselves slowly. It takes a certain level of depression to become addicted to drugs in my opinion. It takes a certain level of depression to even be open to certain substances you know will kill you. But people need to escape. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, its also a terrible place to be a prisoner of.

I think of Robin Williams, Chris Lighty, Kurt Cobain, Whitney Houston, and Michael Jackson. All of these highly successful people committed suicide! Some of the biggest stars we've ever had, "they had it all" some would say, but they were miserable! The reality of it is that being rich won't make you happy but ironically being broke can make you miserable. Being famous won't make you loved, it'll make you envied. There's a certain love that a fan can have for you. Your biggest fan. But it's not personable. You can't attach to that love everyday. Once you're off stage, metaphorically or literally, you can't feed off of that love. These people all seemed to suffer from not feeling genuine personable love in their regular lives. People depended on their resources so much, but did they really love the person? I'm sure these people didn't feel that the love was unconditional. Most depression comes from feeling unloved. Even if you are loved. It's not being shown consistently enough or literally how you think it should be. Whether that be from family, friends, lovers, or spiritually. When your needs aren't being met it hurts. People handle it in different ways. Some people become depressed and some become angry and defiant. I see people tweet multiple times per hour on twitter "Can't trust nobody" in some form or fashion. That's a red flag. That symbolizes to me that this person feels alone. And as much as we will act like we don't, everybody needs somebody. Loneliness is a main root of depression because that pain can be deeper than the Atlantic Ocean. When these red flags are presented in abundance and no one notices or reacts to it, it just increases the state of that person's depression.

In conclusion, PAY ATTENTION! People are dying everyday, but it's not just the people daily that stop breathing. There's people you love who are walking around dead or dying everyday and you have failed to notice. That hurts! A lot of times, the same way people don't normally tell people they love them everyday, they won't tell people they're hurting everyday. No one wants to appear weak so they try to deal with everything on their own, but pay attention. When you see people you love acting out of character, displaying their misery, reach out to them. You could save a life. Save love. So many people are hiding in darkness!

#RelationshipGoals

"If you take care of me.... I'll take care of us!" - Joe Budden; rapper

So I have been putting off this particular blog topic for a while because I needed the right inspiration, time, and clear thinking to properly express myself on it. Today, as I'm headed back home I got that inspiration. Pulling in to a gas station I witnessed a cardinal sin, in my opinion. I witnessed a young woman, seeming to be around 25, pumping her gas as, what appeared to be her boyfriend, sat in the passenger seat! Now immediately I'm sure some of you are thinking, "That could be her brother". This would be possible but the way he had his arm around her seat or shoulder area just painted the picture of him being her mate, so that's what i'm going with. Back to the topic. To me, this is unacceptable. I'm just of the mindset that if you're in the car with your girl and she stops to get gas, the man pumps it. Anybody agree? That's a "gender role" to me. 

Daily on twitter people redundantly ask questions about what a man should do or what a woman should do and to me it normally can be described as basic gender roles. I touched on it somewhat in a past blog but let's really get into it. Should gender roles exist? I think so. But in recent memory, masculinity in men have slowly, but surely dissipated! The genesis of this can go back as far as the 1980's but I don't wanna go THAT deep into it. I mean, this is a blog, not a book! But let's just look at the last 5 years in what I would consider "pop culture". There's a growing conflict between traditionalists, millennials, and feminists. Let me say as a disclaimer, that will surely go overlooked by some, I don't have an issue with the ideal of feminism. But I don't agree with everything they consider oppression or oppressive. But I don't have to. My right to have an open mind and disagree doesn't supersede their right to be offended and active. I never want to dismiss the plight women have experienced here. But again, I don't have to always agree.

The main reason I believe the discrepancy in gender roles exist is because men have become less and less inclined to be what I consider a man to be. Because of this women have subsequently been forced to adjust for survival. For example, a "strong black woman" doesn't need a man to take care of her in the traditional sense that our grandparents may have coexisted. So much so that expecting a woman naturally to do the majority of the cooking and cleaning now has become offensive to some. A lot of men now think women should split all household bills, including rent, regardless of the difference in income. There's no right or wrong answer, this is all a matter of preference, but i have to believe that the clearly defined or implied gender roles of yester-generation contributed to the longevity in those relationships vs the microwave era of relationships today. Expectations back then were so concrete that it eliminated confusion, and where there's less confusion there's more success. 

Me, personally, I'm all for gender roles. If a man enjoys cooking and his woman doesn't then of course there's nothing wrong with that compromise but it shouldn't be frowned upon if a man prefers his wife to do more domestic duties. I don't think a woman should pump her gas if her boyfriend or husband is in the car and capable. I don't think women should pay for dates unless it's a special occasion that she wants to. I don't think a man should have to do the laundry regularly. I don't think a woman should have to take our her trash or get her car cleaned or serviced regularly. I think we've gotten so competitive with our mates when that's who you're supposed to be one with, not at odds with! Nobody wants to be perceived as doing more, or giving more, so we do less and give less and our mates go unsatisfied. Resentment sets in, that grows into spite, which then becomes neglect on both sides. Now exit strategies are being formed. 

I love the movie Casino. So many life lessons in that movie. Sam Rothstein was a man of many things but what stood out the most to me was his principles. One of the main lessons I learned was that choosing the wrong mate is very costly. Was Sam perfect? No! Did Sam know of Ginger's past and current hustler mentality when he married her? Yes. Which is why he clearly chose the wrong woman. She had no interest in domesticated life. She didn't want to "take care of home". She loved the game. She also loved her ex. And she loved being Ginger more than anything. Not Mrs. Rothstein. I say that to say, don't give it all to someone who isn't giving you what you need. But in a mutually beneficial and satisfying relationship both parties have to play their role. Whatever that role may be. Most of those roles will be gender specific. Embrace them. Talk to your mate about them. Find the compromise on what works for the two of you. Then thrive in them. Oppression is real but I don't want preference to be confused with said oppression. We're the Generation of the Overly Offended in a lot of cases!

In conclusion, relationship or not, gender roles exist and there's nothing I love more than being a man and embracing certain responsibilities that come with being a man. So the next time I'm walking in a door and a lady is in front or behind me, I'm holding that door. Because that's what a man should do!

My Night With Hip-Hop...

"Ever thought you'd see the day Hip-Hop grew up?" -Sidney Shaw; fictitious character Brown Sugar (Movie)

What's so funny is this felt like "Russell's party" to me. If you have watched the movie Brown Sugar as much as I have you know what I mean. For those of you who haven't, I'm referencing the part in the movie when Sidney and Dre met up at the Def Jam party when she first got back in town. Although, there was no "Sidney Shaw" there for me and I'm not a record label executive, the whole entirely dope experience of the #HRDCVR release party felt like that moment to me.

Let me start from the beginning!!

On or around May 8, 2014 I witnessed genius! Two of my idols in my secret dream career of being a hip-hop journalist, that's another story for another blog, Elliott Wilson & Danyel Smith (Wilson) announced a project that would change everything in my opinion! For those that are "Stevie Wonder to the culture", these two powerhouses are actually married Hip-Hop royalty! But that project was #HRDCVR. A manifestation of the once supremely important print culture that was XXL, The Source, and Vibe magazine that both of these two had separately quarterbacked during the golden era, #HRDCVR was bringing those magazines back as a book. Not just some paper with a hardback exterior with the same blueprint though, this was something else. This was something special. This was something unique. This was something beautiful. Perhaps it's most beautiful element, no diss to any of the physical designers, is that it was for the people. All the people. By the people!!! #HRDCVR's mission was to break the mold, break the parameters, break the limits on what print had become and to give this culture it's "Mona Lisa" in a sense. A big part of getting this spaceship to the moon was that it would be crowd funded via Kickstarter by the fans of the culture, and it's premier gatekeepers. Instantly after viewing the 2:31 demo tape via YouTube I was sold! This was immediately important to me. For so many reasons. I've always had a extremely intimate relationship with the culture. I'm a student of it. I'm a product of it. I'm a beneficiary of it! Also, I've always been more than a casual fan of "The Wilsons". I was the 12 year old that cared about the editorial in XXL as much as the pictures. I really cared when Kanye West's "Graduation" only got an XL rating. I bought 2 copies of the 15th anniversary Vibe Juice double Jay-z cover issue. I logged on www.rapradar.com the first day it was live. So I've always followed these two as much as I could.

Enough backstory. Needless to say I contributed to the kickstarter and in turn stamped my invitation to the release party. I patiently waited (I kind of harassed them sporadically on twitter lol) for it to be announced and when it was time to show up, I was there. Met two great ladies outside as we were the first 3 in line and we rocked out with the rest of the people all night. The event was held at Subrosa NYC lounge. Very dope, cozy setup lounge that was very fitting for the night. Sponsored by Hennessy, it started and ended with that! (insert Elliott's laugh here). From the kickoff Dj Austin Millz provided a great soundtrack for the night. With a great mixture of the 90's to the present he kept it rocking! (My two party mates wouldn't forgive me if I didn't mention that He didn't play any Hov all night! Our only gripe). Early on everybody was being "too cool" or just trying to feel out the vibe but that was quickly interrupted when, true to beautiful form, Queen Danyel sent word that we were here to dance. This is hip-hop! So after that the vibe grew. The people who knew other people were a little less cliqued up and everybody just started partying and bullshitting (The only Christopher we acknowledge is Wallace). Time passed unconsciously as joy and hope and ambition filled the air. Jadakiss and Styles P came through and took pictures and just vibe'd with everybody like the real ones that they are. International Nigel (@Nigel_D) was there capturing the moments. B-Dot came thru Du Rag-less. YN slid out of the autograph signing briefly to bounce and vibe as Drake's "Star67" rang out. And the gracious, God sent to the culture, beautiful Ms. Sylvia Rhone was amongst the people and came on stage to accompany the #HRDCVR brain trust during their victory lap speeches (No laughing! No Crying!! was the rule). It was a great night

All in all, the most important thing I left this family gathering with, other than the #HRDCVR book itself of course, was that we did it... again! Danyel and Elliott, Darian (I'm using first names like I know them because that's how it felt) and the rest of the staff treated us to a masterpiece of a project and a masterpiece of a night. They really made me, if not everybody, feel like we all were apart of this equally. This was our love child. Our #passionatlas. "No laughing! No Crying" was the rule (If you're in the know, you know why lol) but this was a night about breaking the rules. About doing what we wanted. About making something you love and chasing a dream. About defying the odds. About unity. About being creative. About, Hip-Hop. I'm just a kid from Albany, Ga that grew up in a trailer park and project buildings most of my life (#HoodsDeepWorldwide) and now my name is on the same page of contributors with Jay-z. I got to hear Biggie Smalls "One More Chance" in a New York City club under the lights. It was all a dream.

So like I simply and genuinely told Ms. Sylvia Rhone as she hugged me and shook my hand... Half & Danamo, #HRDCVR staff, fellow #HRDCVR family of believers... "Thank You!"

Peace & Love

Running in Place

You want freedom don't you? Well guess what.... It's not happening. The good news is you can still change it. I'm working on it myself so we can go through this together. We all would like to be able to pack up and go on trips or even just relocate to another part of the world but how many of us can actually do that? Not too many. I was in the airport a few weeks ago and met a couple who packed up and said they're  traveling the world before they're 30. We didn't get into too much personal business but I'm sure they don't have a mountain of debt from school loans or a high car note to pay so they can move around like that and enjoy the world. I would say they probably don't have kids but I'm sure you can take your kids on that type of journey as well. But it made me think about how much financial obligation we actually get tied into. I'm sure y'all already know how I feel about school so I won't get into it too much but wouldn't it be dope if after college you could take some time off to relax and enjoy what seems like 50 years of going to class? I'll answer it for you.. Hell yeah it would but six months into that the all knowing student loan company will find you. No matter where you are. People end up dying before they finish paying for an education. (Wow) But let's say you don't have student loans or you've paid them off already guess what's next. A brand new two thousand something vehicle that you've wanted for a while. I mean you work hard right? Sure you do so go sign the papers to pay $400 a month for five years for the car itself. Then you've gotta insure it and put gas in it because none of you own electric cars because the opposite sex isn't checking for that... So you've got your car that takes about $600 a month to have. You make decent money so it's doable or at least that's what you forced yourself to think. Now you need a place to live. Without me writing a long list of expenses you're gonna pay at least $800 to lay your head down in a decent spot. That's with a roommate. Then you have all other kinds of expenses that don't seem to EVER stop piling up. It's just a hole you keep digging until you end up becoming a slave to yourself, your needs and wants. No matter how much you hate your job you can't quit so you're forced to work for whatever they feel you're worth. It's like a treadmill and you can have the speed on 2 or max it out but you'll still be on it running over the same financial hurdles you just stepped over a little while ago... We need to figure out how to beat this system and get out of this bear hug because it'll squeeze the life it if you if you let it. 

Taking Another Look

Often we get stuck in a rut and it is hard to see past whatever is going on in our lives. We hold on to beliefs or situations that cause more resistance in our lives instead of the feelings we are really seeking. This is a good time to take a look at ourselves and start clearing out things that no longer serve us. Think of all the things that are possible by reevaluating our lives right now. What brings you peace? What drives you crazy?  Knowing these things, we are then able to practice more of what brings us peace and get a game plan on how to deal with what triggers unwanted emotions in us. Everything that is needed to live abundantly and happily we already have. It is just the matter of looking for those things within...

7 Day Gratitude Challange

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Something that I have been doing a lot more of lately is trying to seeing the brighter side of things. One thing that helps me do that is showing gratitude. Being thankful for things that I have and the things that are coming into manifestation in my life. I see so many people complain or post negative things that I thought it would be cool to challenge my friends, family, and followers to a 7 Day Gratitude Challenge. During these 7 days you will be finding the bright side of things. Posting the positive instead negative on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Below are some ways this challenge can be completed: 

• Write in a gratitude journal each day. 
• Send a heartfelt thank you text to a different person everyday for 7 days.( A written on would be awesome but we live in an age of technology so text messages are safe. lol)  
• Find and share a different quote about gratitude everyday.
• Buy a book and gratitude and spend time everyday reading it. ( I subscribe to Scribe. It is an app I pay for that has tons of reading material. Check it out!)
• Go for a walk around your neighborhood and take a photo of something in nature that you are grateful for. (Nature is 
• Commit to thinking 3 grateful thoughts first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

These are just a few things that will assist you with this challenge if you are up to it. I encourage everyone to begin to see and feel the love that surrounds us everyday. Become seekers of the life affirming things that surround us daily. Tag me or hashtag #7DayGratitudeChallenge if you do it... I want to see everyone progress! 

God said Stunt!

I consider myself a pretty humble person. Always have been. Whenever a girl gives me a compliment and says don't let it go to your head.. that should be the least of her worries. I feel like if I get too high on myself or something I've done it could be taken away from me just as fast. But I also realize that the same could happen to me or anyone else regardless... So the other day I was riding around in my car feeling absolutely amazing! I had just come from getting a haircut so you already know where the confidence was at and I was more than likely playing something by Future the god. By this time I've drifted off into this little world where everybody is looking at me and thinking of the best adjectives for me at the time. All kinds of crazy scenarios with everybody I see run through my mind and every single minute is like this huge movie where I'm the star. It's actually kinda dope... But as soon as I started feeling that way I stopped because I felt like I was doing too much... in my mind. To me it was almost like I was bragging. Even though there's nothing to brag about... Then I thought about it. Not one single person outside of my car cares about me or what I think of myself... and then I said you know... God probably wants me to stunt! I mean not stunt like showing off but stunt as in being excited for what I have or how I'm feeling at that moment. You're supposed to be happy and excited and feeling yourself. That's all positive energy that everybody can feed on. We can't get any moment back so we might as well enjoy it because we're all stars and the universe just wants us to shine! 

Positive Side of Things

"The mind is everything. What you think is what you become"

This year I grew up. I mean really grew up mentally. Fresh off a bad break up that left me crying like a baby and in my room like my mom just put me on punishment I learned something. I learned about positivity. I learned about energy and vibes. I learned how to speak things into existence. And I learned the results of negative thinking and how I need to eliminate all negative thoughts. It's crazy how it took that breakup to change the way I thought and the way I move now. It removed a lot of the filth from my life and now I can see the light! Hallelujah! But seriously.... I learned that all you have to do is change your way of thinking and an entirely different way of life will reveal itself to you like beer goggles! I realized that my thought process was more powerful than anything and all I have to do is think positively and my actions will follow. I wake up every morning happy to be alive and when someone asks me how I'm doing I say wonderful even if I'm not at the time. Crazy thing is I usually end up feeling amazing shortly after. Now I feel like I can do anything I can think of and life is absolutely beautiful! I learned to embrace who I am 100% *inserts 100 emoji* and everything is dope now. One of the best parts about it is spreading that energy to the people around you and they begin to spread it and before you know it we can change the world! This is something so simple but yet we don't really know how to do it. So I hope y'all don't have to go through any bad times, drunken nights, or breakups to realize that all you need to do is think good thoughts and good things will soon follow.... I did that so hopefully y'all won't have to go through that *Hov voice*  Bless. 

When was the last time you wrote a love letter?

"We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it." - Lauryn Hill; Rapper, Actress, Creative

When the last time you wrote a love letter? 

When the last time you wondered how YOU could love better? 

When the last time you rejected the impulse to be negative? 

When the last time you told somebody you love them that wasn't a relative? 

When the last time you wrote a love letter? 

How's your penmanship? 

It's the little things that can breathe life into a relationship 

The power is still in the pen no matter how much technology appears to diminish it

When the last time you wrote a love letter? 

When the last time you received one?

I remember when "love always" and a ❤️ ended them 

Maybe a little perfume if she was experienced 

When the last time you wrote a love letter? 

Nobody pours their heart out anymore? 

Love letters used to be so significant

Whenever life seemed to fade feelings you could read back to remember it! 

When the last time you wrote a love letter? 

Let today be the next time

Because love may last forever but life doesn't 

While you can put ya heart between those lines

Express yourself 

Because love is truly the only wealth 

And loved ones sometimes need to be reminded 

How your life changed when you found them 

A love letter is and always was symbolic 

You took the time out to acknowledge 

Everything you're feeling

In a time of dying feelings 

A love letter might awake the living 

Mirrors

"If you looked at my life... and see what I see..." - Mary J. Blige; singer

You see, what separates me 

Is that I can see what you see

But you haven't seen what I've seen

So you can't see what I see

I see a girl

That's so likely to go unseen

Because what she has in her jeans

Is unlike many others that's seen

But see she still goes unseen

The irony

Seeing what's inside of those jeans

Limits seeing her true being

You see when she looks in the mirror

She wants to see what they see

But see, the angles and curves she sees

Doesn't stop her from seeing misery

It seems...

Imagine if everybody that sees you

Seems to see such a dream

But you seeing so many nightmares 

That you just wanna scream

See

They never see you 

They never see what torments you

Seeing is believing

They'll never see you how you see you

But it seems

that even though people have seen

That things are rarely what they seem 

She still goes unseen

Because seeing what's in those jeans

Limits seeing her true being

I want that ...

I want that black love 

That take me back love

To the days when it was as simple a ball and jacks (childhood game) love 

When do you like me came with boxes

And yes no and maybe were options

I want that black love 

That "this was me and ya daddy song dear"

Older , you realize thats how you got here 

That Im black and im proud

Chanting, fists to the crowds

I want that black love 

And no one was afraid to say it out loud

Show it off in a crowd

When pictures were only black and white

And making up followed after a fight

That take me back love

When your words were your truths 

And you were proud of your roots

I want that, need that, and wont settle for less

I want that black love 

Long for it if I must confess

That take me back love 

**hopeless romantic living in a popcorn generation. Ill be forever waitin**

Unfinished ... 

What Wo{men} Want

"If everyone is a product of this society, who will say the things that need to be said, and do the things that need to be done, without compromise?... See fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need." 

-Ms. Lauryn Hill; Rapper; Actress; Creative

When was the last time you took your woman’s trash out at her house? When was the last time you took your woman’s car to get cleaned?  When was the last time you took your woman’s car to get serviced? When was the last time you sent your woman flowers to work?

Ok…. If you don’t know the answer to those first questions, tell me… when was the last time your woman was tripping over some small shit? Let me be clear, there are some women that can’t be pleased, I know this all too well, but right now I want to focus on the ones that can and what it takes to do so. If you ask the average man what women want they’re probably going to tell you a bunch of materialistic things, I can’t fully disagree with this but I just think its deeper than rap! What do women REALLY want? I think women REALLY REALLY REALLY want…. MEN!

If nothing else, what I’ve gradually and thoroughly noticed about women is a seemingly growing desperation to be tough. There’s been decades of the systematic emasculation of black men. The domino effect of that is the disappearance of gender roles and mainly men being men. Primary art of war tactic has been to take black men out of the household whether thru war, intentional drug placement, or welfare regulations that required men to not be in the homes and watch the structure fail. So for the last 30 years women have had to take on the responsibilities of men, regulatory, physically, mentally, financially, disciplinary all while maintaining their traditional domestic responsibilities.  The proof is in the pudding.

Daily on twitter there’s some recycled gender war topic whether it’s the price of dates, should women ever pay on dates, should men always take out the trash, what’s too clingy, who should cook, who should do laundry, etc … all it tells me is that women honestly just haven’t seen enough men be men to know what to expect from one. So in seeing this constantly I was just forced to come to the conclusion that women, even those who seem so materialistic, just really want men! They want what men are supposed to do naturally. They want men to lead them, protect them, console them, compliment them, and to appreciate them… and show that appreciation. Nowadays we get so caught up in not wanting to do more for the other than they are doing for us that it becomes competitive. That’s fear and doubt that I feel naturally women should exhibit, men shouldn’t. Men should eliminate it. However, so many males haven’t been taught how to be men properly so they just learned to be womanizers. They go with what works the most and requires the least. Men and women of this generation have been miseducated and it was prophesized perfectly by Lauryn Hill. That album (The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill) is so great because it exhibits what was happening and has come to fruition; we got distracted so much we forgot how to love… intimately. Communication is the key. Women just have to make a conscious effort of requiring what they need and communicating what they need after themselves, thru self-examination, learning what they need. Because what they really want is often times someone to really look beyond the surface, it’s a war cry. So ladies… What do you need?

I do.... Not know.

Man... I honestly don't know if I can see myself getting married. I'm 32 and my parents have been married 35 years. That's fucking amazing but I do know it's hard and am I able to be that into one woman that I'd be willing to put up with her and only her? There's nothing about marriage that makes me want to do it other than the fact that if she cheats on me I can threaten to leave unless she grants me three sexual fantasies in which they all involve me and 2-3 women. Other than that it just doesn't quite make me too eager to make that happen. Now don't get me wrong I want a long term all the way committed relationship but what if I just get bored one day or she does and just what's to skate? We can go our separate ways with no legal matters or money involved. Marriage seems so final and I haven't seen too many just all the way happy couples. Yeah they exist but maybe I'm not looking for them. Who knows. Most of the time when I see a married dude I feel sorry for him. Some do seem miserable lol but then some wouldn't want to be around anyone but their wife and that's crazy dope! Those are the ones you see at the club with their wife or taking the funny pictures or something. I can see that being cool. I don't know it's just weird like when I'm at a wedding (been to a few of my boy's weddings this year) I'm always happy for them and feel like it's a such thing as true love but I can never picture myself doing it. Then if I do see myself getting married I always imagine it being like a sitcom. Does that mean it won't be real? Maybe it's because 95 percent of the marriages I see all are the wife and 2-4 kids, white picket fence, coaching the little league, church every Sunday, matching wardrobe family portrait type families. ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. I respect it but it's not for me. One of my favorite shows is Californication and if anyone watches you know how dysfunctional they are but I can identify with it or it seems more appealing than the previously mentioned situation. So what does that say about me? And if this post makes no sense to you imagine how I feel.